I hate this.

I just royally fucked up my last audition of college.

Way to go out on a high note. And literally, a shrill, fucked up, wrong place, high note. You'd think that with a degree in musical theatre I'd be able to, at this point, walk in, sing 16 bars, own it, and leave. But, there are things I can't fix like, starting somewhere from two to three beats late, and on the wrong note, and then spent the rest of the song trying to get back there. And it's fine when everyone goes, "They all know how you sing." I mean, that's great, but in four months from now, no one will know me from shit, and I'll be just one more of millions fucking up their auditions until someday, somewhere it's not as bad as I thought it was and someone finally casts me. Or maybe that'll never happen, but as far as I know, right now, I'm mostly a fuck up.

In these final days.

It's that time of year again. The time when I can sit down to dinner with my friends, and start the panicked talks about who's getting what, who's show is trash and who's do we really want to get in. Everything is great now, we're all complimenting each other with "Yeah, oh course you'll be in that one." or "God, that role would be great for you."

Next week will be a different story. All weekend we'll be on edge. Hugging and weighing the competition. After that, when the lists go up, I know that some friends will cease to be friends, and that some people will choose to gloat, while others become bitter recluses. Mind you, this isn't forever, but at least a week in the wake of the cast lists... and on top of everything else, we're starting the new school year.

And THAT is something that I should be focusing on. Maya was so good last night when we walked into Hapa. She instantly had a huge grin on her face looking around the place with two huge loud groups. I looked at her and she says "Look, it's old friends getting together." I continued to focus on her, just as I've looked at my other close friends through these final days of summer and she continued with "I just want to spend this year taking in everything."

All I could respond with was that that was healthy. Perhaps I'm too jaded already. I used to be able to walk into a room and let its happiness fill me, and I wouldn't need anything else to be a happy or positive person. Instead now I feel like I'm floating, and nothing can actually affect me. Time to make a change; to find the positivity. I laugh when others would become frustrated, to smile when others are sad, to find the silver lining. I think I already do this, but its been harder recently to just be easy, and not so cold and business-like all the time.

I probably really do need the therapy I've been looking into.

But, despite that I've had some great days. Days that are perfect example of summer winding down. The one where you feel you can just look out on the world with a grin on your face as it goes by and you sit with your friends, feeling that world of satisfaction, silence and comradery.

On Saturday all I had to do was go to Macbeth's final show, but it had been pouring rain all night before (I love when I leave the theatre looking like I just got pushed fully dressed into a pool) and it was looking like it was just going to be rainy and cold all day. Clearly all I wanted to do was wear sweatpants and slippers and hats all day. But while I was in bed I decided I needed breakfast with friends. No on answered their phones, or had money... until Nathan and Nathan! So the three of us went to the original pancake house. It was funny because although I never knew these guys until I was a sophmore in college, the morning we had felt like a cold conifer morning while getting breakfast on a weekend of high school. Going back in time like that is always a trip.

After some car and bike switching we made it back to Coopers place and waiting for Pat, David, and Moose. Excellent. We walked to Pearl and I got to dress Fulton up like a London Rocker and he actually bought what I wanted him too, which was excellent. Despite mockeries from our friends, we proceeded to Connors, and sat around drinking beers with Julie in tow too, and it was a wonderfully nice place to be right then. A nice long day with friends.

And so, our summers wind down back into the grind, and I have to say goodbye. Goodbye to the long summer days that are easy and up late. I after December have to become an adult, and relinquish my summer days to those who have yet to have their turn, and I become one more person who has to get up early, and has work stacking up on them.

Or perhaps, everything will work out wonderfully and I'll get everything I ever wanted.

Today's Affirmation

Life is cyclical. You must remember that. When the worst happens, its only because you've had the best before, and will have it again. If we were perfectly content always, we would want for more. The downfalls in our lives make the fruitful times more joyous, despite their possible simplicity. It is in that simple joy, and the reflection of your achievements and failures that I feel life is really lived.

On another note, here are some good things:
I passed my science class, I may graduate in December if it kills me
My electrcity is once again back on
CSF knows where my money is
My paycheck from three weeks ago is finally ready
I will, without a doubt have my scholarship on Thursday
I didn't get killed at a rap show in Denver last night
I'm starting to dream again, and remember them

Bad Things:
Despite these good money happenings, I still don't actually have any money
School starts in a week and I'm not as together as I'd hoped
I still can't get the internet to work in my apartment

So, as far as the present is concerned, life is on the up and up... for now.

Happiness is...

How do you make your life better? You fill it with the things that make you happy, so a list of things that brings me complete joy should be compliled to be checked and exacted in my own life. So here goes:

Annotated Texts of History
Performing with confidence
Happy Love Songs
Laughing and Smiling Honestly
Being in the Rain
Getting Caught up in Emotion
Feeling the Love from my Friend Family
Good Musical Theatre (this could be a whole blog in itself)
Swimming in oceans, rivers, ponds, and pools.
Doing wild theatrical hair and makeup
Anything in Britain, but mostly being there
In depth discussions in small groups of educated friends
Taking Pictures
Painting
Feeling Smart
Feeling Confident
Feeling Artistic and Creative
Feeling Beautiful


And so shall I live. Or at least, so shall I try...

Thanks Friends.

I don't know how long this has been going on, but part of me feels that since college started those four short years ago I've never trusted any of my friends. This is strange. I love when I get to be with people, and I love spending time with as many people as possible, but I've felt that none of the people I spend time with I can let totally in, and can completely let my guard down. I've experienced the sensation that although people say they love you, and enjoy your presence, these are bold faced lies, and they talk the shittiest shit about you behind your back.

I think its this profession. Being an actor in a competitive deparment means that we're on top of each other all the time, and competing for the same affections and parts. I've certainly had my days when I can say without a doubt I've been used, so I think keeping people at arms length has become commonplace.

And I don't like that, and I think its the source of why I sometimes find myself unhappy.

Until Recently.

Thank you to Nick, Mick and Ashley who have made this a wonderful summer. Thank you especially to Nick, because nobody else would answer their phone at the beginning of the summer, but he did. When everyone else was too busy or too self absorbed, he didn't care that I wanted to just sit around and hang out. Or that I wanted to be with a friend every day. Then Mick and Ashley were back, and we spent incredible amounts of time together, to the point where I feel weird calling other people, and I love it. Then Maya came back, and the cookie adventures with Ashley and myself as well, were girly and wonderful. I feel like I have a friend family. The type you're supposed to get in college, where these people become the most important people in your life, who you can be yourself around, and they don't judge, they just help, and care and love.

It's what I've been looking for four years, and I finally have people I can trust and I don't have to keep at arms reach. I don't know why it's been so hard for me to even do that, but it has, and slowly I'm letting my guard down, and letting people in and putting down my tired arms and all I can ask, is to please stay. Please keep the switch on. I need to not have my friendship heart trampled on anymore.

I feel everything. Perhaps I feel too much.