That time I had no power.

So I don't have any power.

Or at least, I didn't about a month ago.

My younger sister, who is living with me, did not approve of this. I could understand why, she wasn't facing the same financial burdens as myself, and didn't entirely understand my situation, just that now her hair straightener didn't work. Christ, I don't even know my own situation most of the time. But, I told her, "It'll be just like camping, except we're inside."

The first day wasn't bad. It's summer. I don't need heat. I work all day, I'm with my friends all night. Honestly I felt like I hardly used the place. When I got back home I realized that although one might think that because the sun is out everything should be bright, but that's really not the case. The apartment was already gray with the fading day and I scrambled about the place quickly.

I thanked God that I was a woman because women are genetically programmed to have a various assortment of candles. I decided that I would prefer to be in the living room, so I gather a candle coux to be staged there later. I also ran into my room and dug through the piles of clothing on my floor to find what I would want to wear when I went out that night, and laid the things I needed, including the shoes and bag, on a chair in the kitchen, because I was not about to look for things in my pit of a room by candlelight. Even though I am impoverished, I still have a responsibility to myself to look kick ass.

When my friend Nate came over as we had planned for when he got off of work, but before I didn't have power, he found me stretched out on my couch, with a bottle of wine on the counter and a glass in my hand, completely surrounded by candles. Of course, he was confused.

I assured him that I wasn't trying to lure him away from his girlfriend, but instead was simply powerless. Which also sounds like a come on, but upon further explanation, he understood and helped me flush away my woes with another wonderfully womanly thing; a bottle of cheap wine.

The next day I got to my class especially early so I could get a spot with an outlet, otherwise, I wouldn't have enough power to have my computer. Lord knows, if I need nothing else in this day and age as a twenty-something white kid, its my Macbook with itunes running while I'm looking at stupid stuff on the internet, downloading music, watching tv and eating dinner. I would have to opt out of watching TV, but Lost is online, so I didn't give a fuck.

Also, later that day at work, I hid my phone by an outlet near the radio, and I was able to charge that puppy too. I was only ashamed when the radio would do that blipping-out thing it does when someone is calling you. I would avert my eyes and hope nobody shouted: "Which power thief does this belong to?" holding my battered and vibrating phone in the air. Luckily, this did not occur.

As the weekdays passed, it wasn't hard to go to my friends house until I was tired enough to come home, and to plug my computer in at their place, or to open the refidgerator door as fast as possible, hoping that some, just some, of the cool air was inside. It was however dificult to just be me. I was loosing my mind over bils and responsibility, and therefore the opinion of my parents, and inevitably the rest of my life. My panic attacks would come on, and I would just climb into the bathtub (still with the glass of wine) and simply hide until they went away.

My sister, once again didn't understand this. Why on earth would I not answer our mother's phone calls? She would scoff and walk away, looking extremely perturbed. She came home from work to find me sitting in the bathtub, in sweatpants, slippers, a beanie and a hoodie, with the hood up. (I was cold and severely depressed and in the throws of anxiety.) She walked in, saw me there, in the dark and said "We don't have any toilet paper."

I said a monotone, "Sorry." There was nothing I could do about it in any way.

She sighed and walked away. For some reason, it didn't even cross her face, or strike her at all that this was not normal behavior.

Once it was the weekend, I was sick of this camping trip. Luckily, two pay checks arrived for me that day. It is true that nobody pays anybody on time in theatre.

Paychecks in hand, I rolled my car (which was running out of gas) in neutral, most of the way to the bank, cashed the checks, put gas in the car (ouch) and called up Xcel. I had power. But now I had NO money. Not even a penny. The pay checks matched nearly to the cent of what I needed to get out of this mess.

And so, that is that state I am in now. Because I'm still working for the theatre (therefore, not paid yet) and still waiting on the scholarship I was told I would be receiving in May. MAY for Christ's sake.

And now, I need to pay two months of Rent. C'mon CU Bursar's Office... C'mon CU Bursar's Office... Finish something for mama...

I'm not bitter, just bemused.